Inside A Frozen Memory Of Us
by spentnights
Summary: When Blair Waldorf returns to Manhattan with Carter Baizen on her arm, it feels as though every single eye is on her.
1. Chapter 1

**Inside A Frozen Memory Of Us**

Part one.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the show. The title and lyrics come from Ours by the Bravery.

Summary: When Blair Waldorf returns to Manhattan with Carter Baizen on her arm, it feels as though every single eye is on her.

A/N: Because of all the lovely and encouraging comments I've decided to continue this story. This is basically a companion piece to We're Made Out Of Blood And Rust, with an undetermined amount of chapters. Please read and review. hope you enjoy. :)

* * *

_After tonight_

_This will be a lifetime ago_

_So let's stay up until the sky bleeds red_

_Gone like a dream that I have just awoken from_

_Fading away, just out of reach_

_And we are here, but I already miss you_

_Even as you're lying next to me_

_This time is ours_

* * *

When Blair Waldorf returns to Manhattan with Carter Baizen on her arm, it feels as though every single eye is on her.

And despite the fact that the first targets of Gossip Girl have all grown up, the blogger still takes pleasure out of following their every detail; so Blair isn't really surprised when she sees the blast mere seconds after she's gotten out of the airport and into the car.

And although Blair is almost a college graduate, she still reads that pathetic gossipmonger's blog; and she still examines every single detail of the picture of her and Carter hand-in-hand and the caption below on her phone.

_Looks like our Queen B has finally found a new King C. Carter Baizen, B? We thought sloppy seconds were below you. _

_And what of our Dark Prince? How do you think he'll react when he finds out his former love is sleeping with the enemy? Literally. _

_Careful, B. You're playing with fire, and this one is bound to end explosively. _

_I love a good scandal. Until then, I'm always watching._

_You know you love me. _

_xoxo, Gossip Girl_

She sighs loudly when she finishes reading it for the fourth time. Carter notices – he always does – and turns to look at her, smirk already in place.

"Don't tell me you still read that, Waldorf."

"It's habit." She declares because, honestly, Gossip Girl has been following her around since freshmen year, and it's practically second nature to check it.

"It's pathetic," He laughs, but Blair does not find it amusing so she just glares at him instead. "She's pathetic. She obviously has nothing better to do with her time, unlike some of us."

His hand is already moving up her thigh, and for once she actually has to resist the temptation to _not_ push it away. But she does, anyway, because she's not finished speaking yet.

"She's right, though."

"Oh, I am so not sloppy seconds."

"Not about that, Baizen. Do you have any idea how people are going to react?"

"Don't you mean how Bass is going to react?"

Blair wants to lie, but she's spent too much time with Carter and now he can tell the difference between her lies and her truths; so she just sits there and doesn't look him in the eye.

"I thought you were over him." He's saying it as though it pains him, and Blair thought they were past all this hurting.

"I am." He looks at her, disbelieving. "_I am._ It's just… Chuck. He's going to think this is about him and getting back at him and hurting him, and it's not; but he's going to see it that way and even if he doesn't… I don't want to hurt him." She whispers the last part, hopes that Carter won't hear.

But when she looks up at him and meets his eyes, she knows he heard.

"He cheated on you – numerous times, I might add. You should want to hurt him."

"Thank-you for bringing that to my attention." She stares angrily at him, realizes that she shouldn't be angry with him and that they shouldn't be arguing already, so she tries to fix things quickly and painlessly. "Just because I'm not with Chuck doesn't mean I don't love him."

By the way Carter's eyes look as though they're on fire and his jaw is clenched tightly, she figures that _that_ was obviously not the right thing to say.

"I didn't mean it like that."

"Of course you didn't." He looks away from her, and Blair wonders how things got messed up so quickly.

So she grabs his hand and entangles it with hers. "Carter…" He won't look at her, just stares out the window; but that doesn't stop her.

"Look, you cretin. I love _you_, remember? I wouldn't be here with you if I didn't." She can tell that his eyes are softening, that his anger is dissipating slowly; but he still won't look in her direction. "But a part of me will always love Chuck. And just because I'm not _in love_ with him doesn't mean I don't care about him."

The silence is officially getting to her, so she moves closer to him.

"Okay?"

He sighs, resignedly, and she knows she's won. "Okay."

She kisses his cheek and he smiles at her, their eyes finally meeting.

"You know…" he murmurs, "We did look pretty great in that picture."

She laughs against his cheek and decides that she doesn't really care what others think about her relationship anymore, because they look perfect together always and she feels perfect whenever he is around.

* * *

When they finally reach her apartment, she already has nineteen messages on her phone.

Two are from Serena:

_B! I can't believe this is how I found out Carter was coming home with you! :) – S_

_I'm really happy for you, you know. I miss you. Dinner tonight? – S_

She can tell that Serena is smiling over the phone, and her happiness is contagious as always.

(She will never change, but maybe Blair has stopped wanting her to)

There are four from Nate:

_Carter? Really, Blair? _

_Blair, what's going on?_

_Is this about Chuck? _

_You can talk to me, you know. _

Blair smiles despite herself because, even though he broke her heart, Nate can still be sweet when he wants to and she still finds his protective nature charming, like a remnant of the Prince he was supposed to be and the Knight she so desperately wanted, needed.

There is even one from her father, asking her how her flight was.

And there are twelve others from people whose opinions she honestly doesn't care about.

Blair doesn't know if she is surprised and disappointed or glad and relieved that Chuck didn't bother to at least text her.

_Maybe he never even saw it. _Blair knows it's a lie; she knows he saw it. Even Chuck Bass reads Gossip Girl.

Sometimes Blair wishes she could hurt Chuck as much as he hurt her. _Just to even the score_, she'd say. But the days of games were over and she doesn't want either of them to hurt anymore.

She wasn't lying when she told Carter she didn't want to hurt him. She doesn't. Truthfully, she doesn't want anyone to hurt the way Chuck hurt her. She may be over him, but there is still a part of her that just wishes he had showed her that he cared that she had come home.

But when Carter offers her his hand as she is exiting the car, she figures it's not fair to anyone to be thinking about Chuck Bass when she is obviously in love with someone else.

* * *

Blair hadn't realized until the moment when she stepped foot onto the marble floors of her apartment how much she missed home.

She loved Paris and everything it did for her and she already misses her family, but she remembers that the rest of her family is still here – here in this city, on this island.

And suddenly the thought of returning home is no longer scary, but rather uplifting.

She texts Serena about dinner plans as Carter takes in his new surroundings. They never really talked about him staying with her, but she figured it was already decided.

"So, this is where Blair Waldorf lives?" he murmurs softly as he looks out the window.

"What do you think?" She walks over to him, looks out the same window and realizes that she seems to smile so easily when he's around her.

He turns to her slowly, smiles at her easily as well. "I think… you should give me the tour."

"Oh you do, do you?" His arms are already wrapping around her waist and she knows what he really means.

"Yes." He kisses her for a moment and she tugs his hair gently, pulling him closer. "Why don't you show me your bedroom first?" His voice is husky, and even though her eyes are closed there is no hiding the smirk in his voice.

"Carter…" she purrs him name softly – just the way she knows he loves – as he starts to trail kisses down her neck. "We can't do… this… right now." Her feeble attempts at pushing him away have proven futile.

"Why not?"

"Because…" For a few moments she forgets entirely why; forgets that she has a best friend she is supposed to be meeting in an hour. She forgets everything because Carter is far too good at this.

But Blair eventually remembers and pushes him away gently; trying hard not to be affected by the pout he has already pulled on.

"Serena wants to meet for dinner."

He sighs in displeasure, practically hisses her best friend's name. "_Serena_. You've been home less than an hour and she's already taking up all your time."

Blair laughs softly, as she begins to walk away. "I have to get ready," she calls over her shoulder. She stops when he doesn't make any motion to follow.

She arches her brow, silently asking him to follow. When he does, she smiles once more and pulls him up the stairs and down the hallway to her bedroom.

He smirks again, obviously pleased. "See, Waldorf? Great minds think alike." He attempts to kiss her again, but she pulls out of his grip swiftly.

"Carter, seriously. We can't."

He rolls his eyes as she enters the adjoining bathroom. He makes his way to her bed and mumbles, "You were more fun in Paris," before sitting down.

"I heard that!" she calls from where she is, and catches him smiling when she looks in his direction.

When she re-enters, her make-up redone and her hair fixed, she asks, "Do you want to come?"

"And interrupt your little girl-fest with Serena? No, thank-you."

"Then what are you going to do?" she asks him as she looks through her luggage for a dress she bought in Paris that would be perfect for the occasion.

"Blair, it's not like I'm some foreigner who's never been to New York. Born and raised, remember?" She thinks that his laugh is sort of adorable.

"I know that. I just…" She trails off, not even sure where she's going with this.

He looks at her expectantly, and she fumbles once more to find the words she doesn't want to admit. But this time she figures honesty is the best route.

"In the past month, we haven't spent more than ten hours apart from each other."

"Someone's getting a little attached." He's laughing again, pulling her closer to him so she's standing between his legs.

"Carter."

"You worry too much."

"I'm not worrying."

"Now you're lying."

"Shut up." She raises her chin, pulls away from him to resume her former task. "Help me pick a dress."

"It doesn't matter; you look beautiful in anything."

Blair attempts to hide her blush by turning away from him, smiling inwardly.

When she looks at him again he is handing her a red dress that she remembers clearly he picked out for her.

It was during the third week of her then non-relationship with Carter when he insisted he accompany her on her shopping excursion; she begrudgingly accepted. When they come upon said dress he practically demanded that she try it on.

Blair remembers with perfect clarity the way he looked at her when she emerged in the dress. She remembers blushing under his heated gaze; remembers looking in the mirror at her reflection, wondering what he saw in her.

But mostly she remembers him standing behind her in front of the mirror and looked at her with that intense look of his. She remembers the way his eyes bore into hers in the mirror, the way he kissed her shoulder softly and murmured: _"You look stunning in red."_

She smiles softly and thanks him before hurriedly putting on the garment. When she's finished she asks him what he thinks.

"It's perfect." _You're perfect._

Blair wonders if anything will ever feel better than this.

* * *

She leaves him with a kiss and a murmur of "Don't get into too much trouble" before heading out to meet Serena.

The minute she's outside on the bustling streets, she already misses him and figures that this isn't healthy.

She smiles to herself again – for what feels like the thousandth time – wondering if he misses her too.

* * *

What did you all think? I hope you all enjoyed. I have a couple chapters already written, so they should be up within the next week or so. :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Inside A Frozen Memory Of Us **

part two.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the show. The title comes from Ours by the Bravery.

Summary: Things were so much easier in Paris.

* * *

When she spots the telltale head of blonde tresses, she remembers how much she missed her best friend and how lost she'd be without her.

_I can't not know you. _

It feels as if it has been forever since she uttered those words, and despite all the fights and the drama that has come since then the words still ring true.

When Serena looks up from her menu and her blue eyes catch Blair's, the smile on her face is wide and unrestrained and so _Serena _that Blair can't help but smile, too.

When they hug it feels as though they haven't seen each other in years, instead of three months.

They spend the entire night talking about their summers and the year to come. Serena mentions Hampton's beaches and flings and about their last year at Columbia together now that Blair is graduating.

She tells her how she can't believe that the season has passed and she wishes time would just stand still once and awhile.

She tells her about how Eric is traveling through Asia with his boyfriend; she tells her about Nate and the new girl he is seeing and they laugh because he will never learn. Serena mentions her mother and her stepfather and even how Dan has some internship that he loves. But she doesn't bring up the littlest Humphrey because she knows it's still an aching wound for Blair.

And in turn Blair tells her about her summer in Paris pre-Baizen: about riding on mopeds and going to clubs and smoking cigarettes and giving boys her phone number.

Blair laughs when Serena gasps and looks on in amazement, smiles because it feels like they understand each other perfectly.

Blair tells her about her parents and how Eleanor redecorated the apartment since they were last there; how she spent every Sunday with her father; how she went shopping with Roman; and how she listened to Cyrus talk to her about post-graduation options.

They talk about their futures and their pasts and the present and everything that has happened since the moment they met and everything that will happen from this moment on.

Serena doesn't bring up Carter until dessert is served, but Blair can tell that it's been on her mind since she found out.

"You look happy. Happier than I've seen you in forever."

"I am," Blair promises.

"Then I'm happy for you. Even if it is with Carter Baizen."

"Hey, you dated him too."

"Yeah, you're right: first Nate, now Carter. We really need to start dating out of the same circle."

They laugh like they are thirteen again; like before boarding schools and eating disorders and empty promises and broken hearts.

"Are you happy?" And Blair is actually surprised at how things have changed; how it used to be Serena asking her these questions and how it was Blair who would pull on the fake smile and say _why wouldn't I be?_

Serena looks at her like the vulnerable, lost little girl she used to be and still is sometimes. The girl Blair had to pull out of bars and out of strangers' arms; the girl she had to put to bed and tell her that no matter what she would always love her.

_You're my best friend, right B?_

_Of course, S. Don't be ridiculous._

_I love you, B. I really, really love you. Do you love me?_

_Serena. You know I love you._

_Will you ever leave me?_

_Never ever. _

That girl has come and gone ever since Blair has known Serena, but she thinks that maybe they're best friends because they both know what it's like to be broken and alone and lost in a house and a life and a world too big for them.

"I'm trying to be." Serena smiles softly. "I missed you, B."

"I missed you too, S. So much."

It's on the tip of her tongue to ask Serena about _him_. She wants to know anything and everything, wants to know what happened to him that summer while she was off with Carter.

(Because you can never really trust what Gossip Girl says)

Every time she thinks about Chuck her heart aches a little more, and she doesn't know if she wants him to be happy and moving on or if she wants him to be devastated and alone.

She tries to fight it off, but she can't. There will always be something about that broken boy – who was trying desperately to fill his father's shoes and who only ever wanted to be loved – that she just couldn't escape. She cannot pretend that they didn't happen; she doesn't want to pretend that they never happened.

Even if Chuck was the biggest heartache of her life, he is one of the things she regrets the least.

_The way to get over you isn't by hooking up with some random guy or pretending like we didn't happen. _

She never intended to fall in love again so quickly. If she is honest with herself, she never really imagined loving anyone else.

_You and I loved each other. _

"_I love you so much it consumes me,"_ was never a lie. She loved Chuck with her whole heart and she fought and fought and tried her hardest to make it work –

_And then you broke my heart. _

But it didn't.

"How is he?" Blair doesn't know why she's so nervous to ask, but she knows why she can't look at Serena when she does.

"You know Chuck… He took it pretty hard."

"And by hard you mean coke and prostitutes? Got it."

"B, I haven't seen him with anyone since you two broke up."

"At least he's learned how to be discreet."

"Blair."

She can't look at Serena. She doesn't want to see the concern or the worry in her eyes.

"I know he hurt you, B, but – "

"_Serena…_ I just can't, okay? Chuck and I are over for good this time."

"Does he know that?"

Blair looks away again, thinks about how Chuck has to know that they're over; he can't honestly believe that there is any hope for them anymore.

_We're inevitable, Waldorf. _

She sighs, thinking about that boy who couldn't say the words but felt them in every vessel of his body; the boy who believed that someday she would be his.

"He will." Blair says it with finality, looks in Serena's eyes and swears that she won't get caught up in any more webs of deceit and manipulation and lies and _love_.

* * *

Things seemed so much easier in Paris.

It was easier when she was in a different city than Chuck; when there were different time zones and countries and an oceans between them.

But now when they're in the same city and in the same country, with only a few streets between them, that it is so much harder.

Now when she has the urge to call him just to hear his voice she does not have the limitations of being sic hours ahead of him.

Now when she just wants to see him and see how he is – see if he has changed at all – she can easily because he is no longer a flight away.

Serena had assured her that Chuck was doing well the last time she saw him: that he was working, like always, but still regularly went to family dinners and he spent time with Nate. She promised that he was not holed up in his apartment drowning himself in self-pity with alcohol and illegal substances and whores.

But Blair still could not shake the feeling that Chuck was just putting up a front, that his heart is aching beneath the hard shell of a façade.

She is less than a block away from her apartment and her _boyfriend _who _loves_ her, but she decides that she cannot be there just yet so she gives her driver a different address and hopes that she won't ruin all the new-found good in her life.

* * *

She stands outside his building – telling herself that she should leave, wishing things weren't this hard – for approximately eight minutes before she gains the nerve to go in.

Everything looks exactly the same as it did three months ago: the décor has not changed; she even still sees some of the same faces. It feels as if she was here yesterday, not weeks and weeks ago.

When she enters the elevator, she tells herself that this is for the best; that this will help everyone and allow her to get on with their lives.

But she is still terrified of seeing his face and hearing his voice and loving him forever that she almost backs out.

But she doesn't. She uses the key she still has and heads to the top floor, trying to stomp down the butterflies fluttering in her stomach.

* * *

Please review - comments make me happy. :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Inside A Frozen Memory Of Us**

part three.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the show. The title comes from Ours by the Bravery.

Summary: She turns on her heel, walks away from the person who was her whole world, and leaves without looking back.

* * *

When the elevator stops she steps into the foyer without any more hesitation. She came here for a reason and she will not be defeated by her feelings any longer.

And just like downstairs, it is exactly the same. It looks as if nothing has been moved and nothing has been disrupted. The furniture is in the same spots; the same art is hanging on the wall; there is even still the same scent of flowers that lingers.

But she notices the small things that have changed, the tiniest details that others probably have not even realized.

The flowers in all the vases are no longer peonies. There are picture frames that have been removed. Books that once took their place on the shelves are gone. There is no longer that lingering scent of perfume in the air.

Blair feels her heart breaking because it hurts so much. It hurts so much to be here, but not really be here. She feels like a stranger in a place that used to feel like home.

She is on the verge of tears remembering everything she and Chuck ever shared, so she turns around and heads straight for the elevator when she hears his office's door opening.

"Blair?" She hears the shock in his voice, closes her eyes for a moment to compose herself before turning around and facing him.

Chuck is looking at her with shock and confusion and hurt and resentment and so many other emotions, but the one that sticks out the most is the bit of hope she sees in his brown eyes.

"Hi." Her voice sounds meek even to her.

"What… What are you doing here?"

"Um… I came to tell you…" She trails off, doesn't even know what to say.

_That I'm over you. That I didn't mean to hurt you. That I love you, but I'm in love with someone else. That it's really over between us._

"That I'm home," she finishes lamely.

Blair can see the slight smirk on his face as he speaks. "I know… I saw the blast."

"Right."

"I would have called, but I figured you wouldn't want to hear from me." She opens her mouth to say that she _did_ want to hear from him, but he continues. "And judging by the photo, you were probably busy anyways."

It's supposed to sound mean, menacing, like he is angry; but she can hear the hurt behind those words.

"I…" _I don't know what to say._

The silence feels like it will never end. He just looks at her and she looks at him, trying to find something to say.

She sees the pain he's trying to hide; can tell he wants to question her about Carter.

But he doesn't. He just clears his throat and instead he asks her, "How are you?" with such sincerity that she wants to run away.

"I'm good… I'm really good. Great."

"I'm glad."

"And you? Are you… are you good?" It's becoming increasingly hard for her to swallow, to speak; she feels like all the air is being sucked from her body.

"Do you really care how I am, Blair? I mean, you ran away to Paris to escape me. Then when I followed you, you told me you needed to be your own person. And now you're with _Carter Baizen_." His tone is more hurt than spiteful, but she still feels wounded.

"I never meant for it to happen, Chuck. I swear."

"Really? So he's not just a ploy to hurt me? He's not just one of games?" He's speaking venomously, ferociously; but she knows he just wants answers and can't bring himself to truly ask.

"I'm not playing games anymore, Bass."

He's looking at her so intensely, like another boy who is waiting for her does. She closes her eyes and sighs. When she opens them again he is mere inches away from her, and she can feel his breath against her skin.

"Do you… do you love him?"

All she can do is nod, brace herself for what's to come.

"More than me?"

She looks him in the eye, doesn't know what to say.

A part of her tells her that she loves Carter more than anything, but another part tells her that she will never love anyone more than Chuck.

She wants to tell him that, wants to tell him that she will always love him the most because he looks so pained and so broken. But if she does it will only give them both false hope for a future.

She looks away, and hopes he'll take the hint.

When she looks at him again his eyes are closed and his jaw is clenched, and she knows he did.

But she thinks this hurts more, so she places her hand on his cheek and says:

"I'll always love you, Chuck." He opens his eyes, bores brown into brown. "But we can't do this anymore. We tried so hard so many times, but now… it feels over."

He turns his face into her hand, kisses her palm.

"I love you, Blair. No matter what… And I know what I did, I know I hurt you and I'm sorry. I won't –"

She pulls her hand sharply away from him, folds her arms against her chest.

"What? You won't what, Chuck? Cheat on me again? Lie to me? Hurt me? Break my heart?"

There's a flash of hurt in his eyes, but she doesn't want to care anymore. He pulls her to him, his hands on her elbows, trying to make her stay.

"Can you honestly tell me that it won't happen again?"

A part of her wants him to say _yes_, wants to believe that he wouldn't. But she knows he won't, knows he can't; even if he did, he'd be lying.

She just wants him to be honest with her so she can go home and be with her boyfriend.

He stares blankly at her, opens his mouth to say something but closes it firmly.

_That's all I needed to hear. _

She knew the truth, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

"I have to go." She pulls away from him, makes her way to the door.

"So, what?" He calls as she walks away. "This is it? The end of Chuck and Blair? You're really going to give up on us?"

Blair stops, turns around, stares at him furiously.

"I'm not the one who did this, Chuck. You are. You're the reason we can't be together anymore."

"So all of this is my fault? Like you've never done anything to break us."

"You're right, Chuck, I have. But at least I owned up to it. I'm not the one whose been sneaking around behind your back for years!"

"I told you I was sorry – "

"And that fixes everything?"

"I don't know what else you want from me."

"Nothing. I don't want anything from you. Not now, not ever… We're done. That's what I came here to tell you."

Except that that is a lie. She came to tell him it was over for good, yes; but she didn't come here to argue or to hurt him.

"I've moved on. So should you."

"Oh, right. Carter Baizen? Really, Blair, it's a little high school – even for you."

She wants to tell him that it's not just a fling, that she really does love Carter; and that he makes her happier than she has been in so long.

But Blair has lost all energy to fight with him. So long ago, she was filled with courage and power that was so strong it made her confess her feelings to Chuck, made her fight for him over and over. But now that fight is gone when it comes to him because maybe finally she's realizing it isn't worth it.

She wanted this to end differently. Blair wanted them to come to some form of mutual agreement, not be angry with one another.

"Goodbye, Chuck."

She turns on her heel, walks away from the person who was her whole world, and leaves without looking back.

He doesn't say anything, and she tells herself she doesn't want him to.

* * *

When Blair finally returns to her apartment, it is far later than she intended.

She doesn't know if she should tell Carter about Chuck. She doesn't even know if he'll ask; maybe he'll think she and Serena just talked a lot.

Blair wonders what he did while she was gone. He mentioned the possibility of visiting his parents, but he wasn't clear or decisive in his plans.

She wonders if curiosity won out and he decided to look through her things. She laughed at the thought, knowing she would have done the same thing.

(She just hopes that box those boxes of Chuck's things are still kept neatly hidden in the back of hall closet)

When Blair opens the door and enters, she hears soft noises coming from the living room and makes her way there.

New York is hotter than Paris was, but she hasn't stopped feeling chills since she left Chuck's.

When she spots Carter lounging lazily on her sofa, drink in hand and watching some black and white movie, she almost laughs at how fast he's adjusted.

He must hear her heels clicking against the marble or notice her presence in another way, because he turns to her and smiles.

"What are you doing?" she asks from her spot in the living room.

"Well, after the little family get-together I needed an escape and hard liquor, so I came back here and helped my self to your vodka collection."

"Was it that bad?" She asks, sits next to him and crosses her legs beneath her as she leans against him.

His arm wraps easily around her and he pulls her close to him.

"No, actually it went surprisingly well."

"Really?"

"When my father asked me what I was doing home, they pretty much assumed I wanted more cash. But the moment I mentioned your name they were overjoyed. My mother nearly had a stroke and my father practically offered me a job at his firm on the spot."

"That's great, isn't it?" he nods, smile softly. "I am so good for you." She gives him a smug but content look as she smoothes down the hair at his nape.

"Oh yes. You are such a good influence," He kisses her quickly before motioning to the screen, "Who has surprisingly bad taste in film. It was either this or some Audrey Hepburn movie."

"Don't even think about saying anything about Audrey, Baizen. Besides, I didn't tell you had to watch it."

"You didn't give me much choice. I had nothing and _no one_ to entertain me." He looks at her in a way Blair knows too well.

"Poor baby…" She kisses him quickly. "Sorry I'm so late. I thought I wouldn't be gone so long."

Apparently she has decided to not tell him about seeing Chuck.

"Don't worry about it. I know how much Serena loves to talk and gossip." Carter smiles at her and she smiles back with more force than she'd like, so she moves closer to him and lays her head in the crook of his neck.

"How is Serena, anyway?"

"Good, great." She shifts nervously, hopes the truth won't come out. "She wants us to have brunch with her and her new beau this weekend."

"Now that should be fun." He laughs softly and she stays silent so she can enjoy the way it sounds; just nods her head.

"Are you okay?" he asks when she doesn't say anything.

Blair doesn't respond for a few moments; doesn't know what to say. She doesn't know if she should tell him about Chuck, doesn't know if she wants to. What she does know is that she doesn't want to ruin this amazing thing that has happened to her, so she nods and whispers:

"Why wouldn't I be?" He kisses her head and she tells herself that she just loves him too much.

Blair pulls away from him a few moments later, reaches for the remote and turns the movie flickering in the background off.

She grabs his hand when she rises off of the sofa and entwines it with his, pulls him to his feet and tells him to come with her.

"Where are we going?"

"I owe you a tour, don't I?" She smiles seductively at him, pulls him along to the staircase and leads him to her bedroom.

"Yes, yes you do." She can hear the smugness in his voice, but doesn't care.

* * *

Blair feels restless throughout the night.

She's still jet-lagged, but she cannot sleep. She hasn't slept in this bed, in this room, in this apartment in months.

She hasn't slept on these sheets or beneath these covers or against these pillows in too long.

She's never slept in this bed with anyone else but _him_.

Carter is fast asleep next to her, and she watches as his chest rises and falls with every breath. He looks peaceful, and she wishes she felt that calm; wishes she were fast asleep, not over-thinking once again.

Her head hurts from too much thinking, from lack of sleep, from agonizing memories.

Blair loves Carter. She really, _really_ does. And she never thought that she would be able to be happy and in love with anyone else but Chuck.

And the best part is that Carter loves her back. He loves her for who she is: the vulnerable, lost girl who's just trying to find her way.

This is one of the best things that have ever happened to her and she will not ruin it.

So she curls against Carter's sleeping form and closes her eyes, smiles when his arm wraps around her waist and slowly drifts off to sleep.

* * *

A/N: I hope you're all still enjoying this story. I'm not sure how many chapters it's going to be. I'm playing it by ear right now. But thank you all for the lovely feedback. Comments are always appreciated. :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Inside A Frozen Memory Of Us**

part four.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the show. The title comes from Ours by the Bravery.

Summary: Blair feels good when she's with Carter; she feels right. Like nothing she does is wrong; like she is beautiful, perfect, _enough_.

* * *

When she wakes the next morning, Carter's arm slung tightly around her waist and his face inches from hers, she cannot help but smile.

Blair blinks a few times – just to make sure _this is real_ – to rid herself of tiredness, before leaning over and moving her lips slowly against his pliant ones.

When she pulls away, she watches him shift slightly; his arm pulls her closer before his eyes open halfway.

He groans softly – he always does when he wakes up – and sighs before opening his eyes completely.

"Good morning," she chirps, doesn't know why she's so happy.

_You're happy because this boy – __this man__ – makes you happy_, she tells herself.

Carter Baizen is not a boy; Blair wonders if he ever really was. He always seemed so mature and grown-up when they were younger. He is not like the boys she gave her heart to and who crushed her beating organ beneath their Italian-leather shoes.

Carter was not afraid to tell her how he felt; he was not afraid to follow his heart and go after her; he was not afraid of the challenge of being Blair Waldorf's boyfriend.

So she smiles at him, at his tired appearance, and pulls herself closer to him.

He voices his appreciation, pulls her closer, and kisses her briefly. "Good morning to you."

"How did you sleep?" He yawns and she stifles a laugh because it's just too cute.

"Excellent… Your sheets feel amazing." He smirks at her, at his own comment.

Blair laughs. "Egyptian cotton, 500 thread count." She is haughty even when she is talking about bed linens.

"Of course. The only way to go." He smiles genuinely, kisses her passionately this time.

Blair suddenly realizes how domestic this feels now that their sleeping in a bed that she actually owns in an apartment that's hers in a city that is her home – _their _home, really.

"Do you want breakfast?"

"No, I want you." His hands find their way beneath her nightgown, glide along her thighs.

"Carter," she admonishes, bats his hand away.

"What?" He plays the innocent act so well.

"Not now." She is stern, will not give in.

"Why?" But he obviously doesn't care for the reason because his hands are caressing her hips and she's starting to not wonder why too.

"Because…" his lips are too much of a distraction as they move across her jaw, down her neck, along her collarbone. "Because… I…" His hands slide beneath her nightgown, fingers dig into her hips and she lets out a purr of content. She feels the smirk against her neck, but is too far-gone to care. "I don't remember."

She hears his response against her jaw, "That's what I thought."

* * *

When they emerge later in the afternoon, escaping the walls and confines of her apartment, they decide to go to lunch.

They sit in their booth at one of her favourite restaurants, where he holds her hand and places his palm on the small of his back. Blair thinks that this is all she ever really wanted: someone who loved her and wasn't afraid to show it.

Blair feels good when she's with Carter; she feels right. Like nothing she does is wrong; like she is beautiful, perfect, _enough_.

For once in her life, she feels like she is finally enough: enough for Carter, enough for everyone, enough for herself.

When he looks at her, everything she ever hated and loathed in herself ceases to exist.

He smiles at her when they finish eating, kisses her cheek softly before she gets up and heads for the ladies' room to freshen up.

She fixes her hair, reapplies her lipstick, straightens her dress. And for the first time in a long time she does not even consider purging.

She walks out, makes her way to their table feeling the happiest she ever has leaving a restroom.

All is right in her world, in _their_ world.

And then Nate appears.

* * *

Blair sees the sandy-blonde hair, the expensive suit, the air of entitlement: she could tell Nate Archibald a mile away.

She returns to the table, smile in place; happy to see him, worried of his intentions.

"Nate," she almost squeals. (She has missed him)

He turns at the sound of her voice, his grave look immediately perking up; his face dimpling in that way she used to adore.

"Blair," he greets her with such enthusiasm that she can't help but hug him; hold him tightly because she hasn't seen him in so long.

She catches Carter's eyes over Nate's shoulder, squeezes him for good measure before pulling away. His hand remains on her arm for a few moments before he slowly removes it.

"You look… amazing." His eyes rake over her body, blue eyes moving up and down quickly; comforting in the way only he could be.

"You don't look so bad yourself, Archibald… What are you doing here?"

"Um, the same thing as you, I presume – _lunch_." He grins at her with that classic Archibald smile.

Carter chimes in, hands in his pocket, an unimpressed look written across his face. "Yeah, Archibald here just figured he'd stop by to say hello. How thoughtful."

Carter shoots Nate a glare, who only rolls his eyes.

_Males_, she huffs.

"Carter, why don't you go get the car while Nate and I catch up?"

His eyes widen at her, flash with intensity briefly; but soften at her own look with ease.

"Sure… I'll meet you outside." He kisses her cheek; she ignores the look he sends Nate.

When he is finally out of sight, Nate breaths a loud sigh as if insulted or angered or confused – or maybe all three.

"Blair, what are you doing?" He sounds exasperated, perplexed.

"Nate, don't." She really doesn't want to do this right now.

"Blair, come on. Carter Baizen? He's –"

"What, Nate? A terrible person? Not right for me? Bad news? I've heard it all before."

_And not just about Carter. _

Nate looks at her; _really_ looks at her. Like he can see the pain in her, the pain Chuck caused her; the pain everyone and even he caused her.

"He's not good enough for you," he finishes, lets out a sigh.

Blair doesn't really know what to say. There's a biting remark on the tip of her tongue, but she just can't.

"For the past few months – the past few years, really – I have felt… I don't even know. But I haven't been happy, Nate. Not really."

His brow furrows with confusion.

"But you and Chuck – "

"Chuck made me feel alive; he made me feel wanted and loved for the first time in my life. But he wasn't enough… Because I wasn't enough for him."

"He loves you."

"That doesn't fix what he did… For so long I pretended that I didn't know. I pretended that everything was fine when it wasn't."

Nate is looking at her, his eyes sympathetic, apologetic.

"I made myself believe that Chuck and I were perfect together – that we were forever – because it hurt too much to imagine my life without him. But now… I feel alive again, Nate, like I haven't in so long. I feel whole, like I've finally figured out who I am. And it feels like I've been looking in the wrong place for it all along."

He appears speechless, maybe confused.

"Well…" he starts, takes a breath. "You look happy."

Blair smiles. "I am… I promise."

"Then I guess I have to be happy for you, even if it's with him."

"He's not that bad, Nate."

He raises his eyebrows, that goofy grin of his starting to appear.

"He's no worse than Chuck," she reasons.

"Okay, fine. I concede. If you're happy, I'm happy. But if it doesn't work out, I'll totally punch his face in."

She laughs loudly imagining the thought; remembers their Cotillion where he punched Carter out because he thought they were dating.

"Okay." They share a smile, and she's happy things are back to normal. They make plans to have drinks later that week; to share stories of their summers and reminisce about the past.

She's happy that she and Nate can still be friends after all that's happened.

* * *

In the limo, Carter's hand slides up her thigh as his lips crash against hers.

"Trying to mark your territory, Baizen?"

"I shouldn't need to," he tells her against her ear, bites it gently.

Blair purrs. "You _don't_ need to."

"Really?" He whispers.

She pushes him away, furrows her brow at him. "Of course." He raises his eyebrows at her, questioningly. "Please. I haven't felt that way about Nate in years."

"I wasn't talking about Nate." Carter's eyes are serious, as intense as ever.

Blair sighs. She thought _she_ was insecure. "How many times do I have to tell you? I don't want to be with Chuck."

A thought dawns on her then. Chuck couldn't have told Nate about their meeting last night, could he? Is that what they were talking about before she came back? Nate hadn't alluded to anything, but maybe he's just gotten to be a better liar.

"What did Nate tell you?" Her voice sounds worried, maybe too much.

"Nothing. He said I wasn't good enough for you, how I should leave town; the usual."

Blair breathes a sigh of relief inwardly.

"Why? What could he have said?"

"Nothing." She looks away.

"Blair."

"There's nothing to tell, I swear." She looks at him and he looks back. She tries not to look away again.

"You're lying."

Blair huffs. "I am not."

"Oh, really? So there's nothing going on?"

Blair entwines her hand with his, smiles sincerely. "Of course not." _Really._

"I don't believe you." He pulls his hand away from hers.

"Carter."

"Did something happen with Chuck?"

"Of course not. We've been home for two days; I haven't even seen him."

_Fuck. _This is not going to make anything better.

"You promise?"

"Of course I promise. Carter, that's ridiculous." _Keep digging that grave, Waldorf. _

Carter smiles back at her, obviously pleased. "Okay." He kisses her palm and leans closer to her, kisses her cheek quickly.

But she feels anxious and sick. This is not good in any way.

Blair can't believe she just lied to him.

* * *

A/N: Oh, the drama of Gossip Girl.

What did you all think of this chapter? All of your comments are reviews make me so happy. I'm so glad you're all enjoying this story. :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Inside A Frozen Memory Of Us**

part five.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the show. The title comes from Ours by the Bravery.

Summary: Blair manages to avoid the Bass subject for an entire week. But she should have known she couldn't avoid Chuck forever.

(A/N: Thank-you all for your amazing reviews! :) Sorry this chapter took a bit longer than the others, but I'm busy writing other stories as well. Some of you have requested that I write from Carter's POV in this story and - although I had intended not to - I have conceded. So part of this chapter will be written in his POV, and the other in Blair's. Hope you enjoy!)

* * *

Blair manages to avoid the Bass subject for over an entire week.

(It's pretty easy when he doesn't call her incessantly – or ever)

She's too distracted enjoying the rest of the summer: shopping with Serena, drinks with Nate, dates with Carter – anything to take her mind off of it.

Carter turns out to be a much better boyfriend than she had thought he would be. He's different than the others she's dated.

Nate was always polite and well mannered; he took her to nice restaurants and society functions and to family gatherings; he always held her hand and kissed her appropriately.

Chuck was ever so charming and could buy his way into any place he wanted; he'd buy her gifts for no reason and he held good conversations; he always complimented her and matched their attires perfectly.

But Carter is different: he is similar in some ways and the opposite in others.

He's interesting and charming and intelligent and clever and gorgeous – and it still surprises her that he loves _her_.

He doesn't keep things from her; his eyes don't wander; he's not afraid to hold her hand in public; he listens to her and always takes her calls.

He's basically the perfect boyfriend and she can't really believe that this is _Carter Baizen_ she's talking about: the notorious playboy who ran away from his future and lives off his trust fund - the same one she looked down upon for so many years.

But now she loves him and thinks he's perfect, so nothing else really matters.

(Secretly she crosses her fingers behind her back just in case.)

* * *

She's starting classes the day after tomorrow, and she finds herself both looking forward to the new semester and absolutely dreading it. She's sad that summer's over but excited for her last year.

Carter takes her to dinner the night before: to celebrate, to commemorate – maybe even gloat a little that they're together to a certain Basstard.

Blair wears one of her best black dresses and matches her shoes to Carter's tie.

She had never really noticed before, how well they match; how they fit together in every sense.

Everyone had thought that she and Chuck had been a perfect pair: both dark and twisted and manipulative with family issues and the fear of being vulnerable. (But those weren't the only reasons they were together.)

When Blair was younger she thought that she and Nate were perfect. They were both beautiful and wealthy and from good families. (Those were pretty much the reasons they were together.) But Nate glided through life never knowing what he wanted, getting things without trying; while Blair always knew what she wanted, always worked hard for everything she strived for.

Carter's always seemed lost, always running away – maybe to find himself or find _something_ – like he didn't know who he was or what he wanted. A little like Nate, a little like Chuck.

(Leave it to her to find a combination of the two instead of the opposite.)

Blair planned her entire life meticulously, tried to mold everything to fit her wishes. But everything had fallen apart – more than once – and now she's not really sure what she wants anymore. Sometimes she wishes she could go on pretending, sweep the bad under the proverbial rug and ignore it. But she did that for so long that it's probably how she ended up so lost.

She is insecure and lonely and aiming to please but not knowing how; never being enough – like him. She's always been trying to be the person she is supposed to be, while he's always been running away from who he is supposed to be.

Blair and Chuck brought each other down with their darkness; Blair could never compare to the golden image of Nate.

But maybe Blair and Carter work so well not only because they even each other out, but because they are the same even when they aren't.

* * *

It feels so normal, her and him – together. He never thought that he would call Blair Waldorf his _girlfriend_.

He remembers when they were younger, how she was always tugging on Nate's arm or holding Serena's hair back or showcasing her mother's designs at parties; always trying to be the perfect girlfriend, the perfect student, the perfect daughter.

She was beautiful even then. Even when her teeth were too large for her mouth and her body was still underdeveloped. Even when she was vicious and scathing and loathed the very sight of him – she was beautiful.

Always so demure and dainty; so pure and delicate. Her dark features striking, her body petite, her tongue like acid and she practically breathed fire. And she was clever and intelligent and so incredibly _proper_ that she would have been boring if she weren't so cruel.

But he could always see the vulnerability beneath, those few times when he caught her mask slipping. He could see the insecurity in her – for a moment or two, before she'd compose herself; and it would be as if nothing had changed.

He remembers when Nate started hanging around him, Blair was always somewhere close. When Serena caught his attention, he could see the worry in her best friend's glances – maybe even a hint of jealousy (maybe he had imagined – hoped for – that).

Little Snow White, always in the shadows of her effervescent, bubbly best friend.

There was always something so innocent about Blair, despite her catty nature. And there was something about how cunning and cruel she was that made her all the more attractive.

(That made his heart race just a little every time he saw her.)

Of course he could never do anything with her back then, back when she was still Nate's.

So he set his sights on her best friend instead.

(At least he got something of Nate's first.)

Carter remembers clearly the night when he actually had Blair. He had heard through the grapevine (or rather, Gossip Girl) about her failed relationships with both Nate _and_ Chuck.

(He also remembers being utterly shocked to hear about how the virgin queen lost it to her boyfriend's best friend.)

When he found her all alone at the bar, so small and lost-looking, there was a moment when he knew he shouldn't. Knew it was wrong, but knew it wasn't nearly as bad as some things he'd done.

But this was _Blair Waldorf. _Nate's girlfriend, Serena's best friend, Queen B – all around _off-limits_.

He knew he shouldn't.

But he had been waiting to get with Blair Waldorf for so long now that he didn't really care anymore.

(Once a philanderer, always a philanderer.)

Carter remembers the way she smiled at him; how she let him buy her a drink and put his hand on her thigh. Remembers with perfect clarity how she purred his name and the way she touched his hair; the way she felt, the was she smelled.

He knew she was just trying to get back at Chuck or trying to redefine herself or trying prove a point or forget about who she was and what she had lost – but it didn't stop him.

He knew it didn't really mean anything to her, but that didn't stop him from wishing it would.

* * *

He doesn't understand how Chuck or Nate – or anyone for that matter – would ever want or choose someone other than Blair.

She was perfect, impossibly so. Even with all her flaws, he found her perfect. Carter never imagined he would or could feel this way about another person but he loves everything about her, down to the tiniest details.

He loves the way she smiles, loves her laugh, loves when she quirks her eyebrow. He loves the way her hand fits perfectly in his and the way they match without trying. He loves how earnest and ambitious she is. He loves the way she hoods her eyelids and the way she says his name. He loves the way she feels and the way she dresses. He loves how prim and proper she can be, how vulnerable she really is. He loves how sincere her feelings are for him.

He loves her body and her soul and her mind and her heart and every single thing about her.

Carter's never felt this way about any woman before, never thought he'd feel this way. But there is something about Blair Waldorf that he can't quite figure out.

She is perfect and stunning and amazing in every single way that it actually takes his breath way.

(He feels like such a girl acting this way, but he might have stopped caring.)

On the outside she is the girl that his parents would approve of, the girl that would be a perfect society wife: harsh and cold and demanding when need be, who has a good name and connections and excellent taste. So obviously born and bred on the Upper East Side.

But on the inside she is fiery and passionate and wistful. She still wants to believe in fairytales, still has dreams, and still _wants_.

He doesn't quite understand what she sees in him. He is not a prince or a golden boy; and the bets are against him that he'll break her heart. He knows he doesn't deserve her – no one deserves her, really – but she is his and he's not going to let anything change that.

(Especially some pathetic rich boy with Daddy issues who has broken her heart too many times to count.)

* * *

At dinner, he holds her hand across the table; caresses the back of her hand with his thumb. He listens when she speaks and she laughs when he says something funny.

"So, your last year? It's about time. Aren't you bored with all those insipid people and banal classes?"

Blair raises her eyebrow, smirk in place. "I wouldn't expect you to understand, Baizen. But some people enjoy expanding their horizons beyond jet-setting and substance abuse."

He rolls his eyes, but there is a smile in place so she laughs.

Blair just feels content with Carter, so at ease – like she never really did with her past boyfriends. There was always something that kept her on edge: secrets that lurked beneath the surface, something she knew was awry but pushed aside.

But the only secret being kept is from _her_, not him.

She should just tell him, get it over with; rid herself of this dreaded fear threatening to consume her. Maybe he'll understand.

Or maybe he won't and she'll have one more ruined relationship to add to her dating resume.

The thought makes her feel lightheaded, so she doesn't say anything and just smiles.

"Well," he starts, "I hope you won't be too busy studying and attending classes to make time for me." His smile is teasing, and she tries to forget about anything else but them.

"Oh, I'm sure I'll find the time."

"Thanks. That means so much to me."

"It should. I'm usually a very busy person."

"I'm sure you are."

She smiles, takes a sip of her drink when he starts speaking again. "Blair, you know I –" He stops abruptly, his face fallen and his jaw clenched.

"Carter? What's wrong?" His eyes flick past her shoulder, blue eyes blazing.

"Well, look who it is."

Blair instantly tenses, _that_ voice giving her chills. She looks at Carter quickly, his eyes still furious.

_If looks could kill._

She looks away from Carter to see the subject of her anxiety standing right there in the flesh, a smirk already in place.

_Fuck._

She should've known she couldn't avoid Chuck Bass forever.


	6. Chapter 6

I'm so sorry for the long wait! I've been so busy lately, and have had barely any time to write at all! I hope to be able to write more often now, but bear with me. :) and as always, reviews are much appreciated!

* * *

"What are you doing here, Bass?" Blair sneers at him unpleasantly.

He just smirks back, annoyingly so. "Business meeting, actually."

"Maybe you should get to it then." Carter tells him, trying to put him in his place.

Chuck doesn't spare him a glance. "How was Paris?"

"Eye-opening."

"Obviously not for the better, considering you came home with _this_." He motions to Carter with his head.

"Actually, it – along with Carter's help – made me realize that I don't love you anymore." She smiles, sickeningly sweet; she's trying to make it seem like the truth.

It surprises her how much it hurts.

His eyes flash with hurt and anger; and she catches Carter's smirk out of the corner of her eye.

"Shouldn't you be getting to that meeting?"

Chuck composes himself quickly, even better at hiding his emotions that he was before. He clenches his jaw roughly.

"Yes… But I'd love to catch up," he tells her.

"I'm sure you would." Stop with the banter, Blair.

"Well, truthfully, I was wondering when I'd run into you again, Waldorf. Seeing as the other night, you left so quickly."

Her eyes immediately meet Carter's.

She sees devastation, knows she's caused it. It doesn't make her feel like it used to – causing people to hurt, ruining them.

"What is he talking about?" Carter demands.

"What? Blair didn't tell you about our little run-in?" He smirks, menacingly. "Honestly, I thought when you said you wanted space you meant it. Of course, you showing up to my apartment late at night doesn't really give you that kind of impression."

Carter looks at her. "I can't believe you."

"Carter –" she tries to no avail.

He scoffs, stands up. "Don't bother… I knew it was too good to be true." He looks at Chuck as he walks past, "Enjoy your meeting." His glance flickers to her. "Goodbye, Blair."

"Carter, wait." She stands up, but Chuck blocks her way.

"I actually thought it would be a little more difficult than that. Obviously he doesn't care about you enough to fight for you."

"The only thing that's obvious is how completely desperate you are." She pushes passed him, makes her way out of the restaurant.

She spots Carter attempting to get a cab, calls him name. He doesn't turn around.

Chuck has hurries after her, though, grabs her wrist.

"Blair, stop. Come on. This whole using Baizen to make me jealous is getting old."

She looks at him, angrily.

"You're the one who needs to stop, Chuck. Stop following me and stop tormenting me, okay? We broke up. It's over. Deal with it."

"We'll never be over. You know that. We're inevitable, Waldorf, remember?"

His eyes soften and his grip loosens.

She knows he still feels like they're endgame, and she wished she felt the same.

But she doesn't.

"I'm with Carter now. I love _him_, not you. And the only inevitable thing about us is you breaking my heart. So just stop. _Please_." She pulls away and out of his grip.

"Blair," he calls as she rushes away from him. She doesn't turn back.

"Carter, stop." she calls. He stops, hand on the door of the cab he's about to enter.

He looks at her. "I can explain."

"Don't bother, Blair. I understand pretty clearly."

She pulls on his arm, begging him to stay. "No, you don't… Nothing happened, okay? I just went there to tell him it was over. I just needed that closure."

"How am I supposed to believe you?"

"Because I love you."

His eyes change, softening because of the words. But then it's gone, and they turn back into dark, angry ones, boring into hers.

"And yet you lied to me."

"I only lied because I didn't want to hurt you."

"You could have just told me, Blair. I get it, okay? You love Chuck, you always have. You always will. I've accepted that you do, that you… that you'll never feel the same way with me."

"That's not true! You know it isn't. I just – "

Blair's not sure what she can say to make him stay.

"I don't love him anymore." She promises, even if it's not exactly the truth; wishes it didn't hurt so much to say the words aloud.

"Maybe you're not _in love_ with him, Blair, but I know that a part of you still loves him. I can see it, and I understand how much he hurt you and how much you want to put this behind you. But as long as you're pretending that your feelings for him are completely gone, you'll never be able to move forward. With me, or with anyone."

"I love you. And I want to be with you."

Carter brushes a curl away from her face, his fingers lingering on her cheek just for a few moments.

She closes her eyes briefly, wishes it would stay like this forever. But as fast as he was there, he pulls away.

"Just figure out what you want, okay?"

And without being able to utter another word, she watched hi enter the cab and drive away.

Abandoned on a dirty sidewalk by a boy for the umpteenth time in her life.

* * *

Blair's not sure how long she stands there, the end of summer breeze chilling her bones to the core. Like her broken heart.

She hears Chuck's footsteps as they move closer, feeling his presence before hearing his sound.

"Go away, Bass." _Please._ She discreetly wipes away a single fallen tear.

"Blair… Let me take you home."

She scoffs, every sad emotion that had consumed her replaced with disdain. She turns around quickly, facing him; before she knows what's happening, the palm of her hand meets his cheek with as much force as she can muster.

When he looks back at her, he's just as stunned as she is.

"What the hell is your problem, Chuck?"

"My problem? You are the one who just hit me."

Blair pushes passed him, walks away determinedly. "You deserved it," thrown over her shoulder.

He grabs her shoulder with too much force, and is spun around too quickly.

"Don't act like this is my fault."

"Are you insane? Everything is your fault!"

"You could have told Carter about seeing me, but you didn't. Admit it, Blair. There's a reason you didn't tell him."

"I didn't tell him because I didn't want to hurt the person I love. Something _you_ obviously don't understand."

"You're really going to bring that up again? That has nothing to do with – "

"It has everything to do with this!"

Chuck stares at her as if he doesn't understand, despite that it's the truth.

"Why did I go to Paris, Chuck?" There are tears now, big and uncontrollable, streaming quickly down her face. "Why did I spend months trying to put you in my past? Why did I need to move on in the first place?"

"Blair, I'm – "

"Sorry?" She scoffs. "You're not sorry. _You_ are nothing but a vile, vindictive, pathetic excuse for a human being who is incapable of being a good person!"

There's venom etched in every word, drawn out for maximum effect. She hasn't hated him as much as she does in this moment for a long time.

He doesn't say anything. There's hurt etched into every feature, but she doesn't care; she can't care anymore.

Instead she inhales and exhales slowly, raises her head high like the queen she is. And then she lays the final blow.

"And I wish I had never loved you at all."

Blair pushes past him, doesn't bother to wait for a reply.

She's officially done with Chuck Bass.

* * *

Once again, sorry! But thank-you for everyone who's been sending me such lovely messages. :)


	7. Chapter 7

Hello! First off, a huge apology for taking, oh god, literally months and months to get this chapter up. I'm sure most of you figured I'd abandoned this story, but I could never! I took a bit of an undetermined break from writing to focus on my senior year of high school, but I never imagined it would be so long. The last few chapters of this story have been running though my mind, but a lack of inspiration and a case of writer's block prevented me from getting anything actually done.

I'm on summer vacation now though, and I fully intend to finish this story in the next short while - in fact, there is probably only one or two chapters left after this.

Once again, a big apology to all of you lovely readers who truly inspired me. Thank-you and I hope you enjoy. :)

* * *

Blair returns to her penthouse alone. It's empty, lonely; it matches her feelings exactly.

_Damn that motherchucker_, _he ruined everything_. Again, she reminds herself.

That's not exactly true, though. Chuck may have told Carter about her meeting with him, but she should have told Carter about it in the first place. If she hadn't kept it from him, the entire situation could've been avoided.

She falls ungracefully onto her bed. It's too quiet for her liking.

Blair doesn't know what to do. How could she be so stupid?

She lets the tears fall freely then. Everything is ruined; she worked so hard to put the pieces of her life back together and now it's ruined.

Blair moves from the bed to quickly discard her dress and heels before climbing into back into it and beneath the covers. She reaches out her arm, desperately searching for something, someone. But no one is there.

She is alone again. Heartbroken again.

So she lets herself cry until there's nothing left and falls into a fitful sleep.

* * *

Blair goes about her days as usual: school, minions, keeping up societal appearance.

She tells herself that she's better off alone, yet she still calls Carter at least ten times a day.

But she avoids Serena's calls for a week.

She's doing her best to just survive; her best to avoid even thinking about the state of her current affairs. She doesn't need those blue eyes probing her, forcing her to confess that she's ruined yet another relationship. Blair knows that if she admits the truth, that she'll never make it through this.

Instead, she pretends. She pretends because she's afraid of the truth.

* * *

On the eighth day, Serena finally catches up with her. She corners her at her apartment just after her four o'clock class. Damn her for somehow memorizing her schedule.

"Hey, S." She says it as casually as she can manage.

"Don't you "hey, S" me, missy. Why haven't you been answering my calls all week? I've been worried about you."

"Serena, I'm fine."

Blair enters her apartment, Serena trailing behind her.

"Well, I can see that now."

Serena plops herself down onto the couch.

"But honestly B, even if you're holing up at home to partake in scandalous activities with Carter, you can at least call your best friend back."

Blair winces unintentionally at the sound of his name. Fortunately, Serena doesn't notice. Unfortunately, she continues on the subject.

"Where is he anyway? I thought as soon you got home from class, you'd be all over each other by now."

Blair doesn't say anything, just nods along in hopes that Serena will change the subject. She hates keeping things from secrets, but this one she can't bear to tell.

"B, is something wrong?"

Blair opens her mouth to spout a lie about a headache or a test, but as soon as she meets Serena's concerned eyes, she falls quickly apart.

Falling into her best friend's arms, she manages to tell her about her breakup between sobs.

"B… What happened? You two were so happy."

She only needs to utter the name: "Chuck."

"Blair, what did you –"

"Nothing! We didn't– I mean, I did – I…" She can barley speak, the sobs increasing; it's not like she really knows what to say, or how to explain what happened.

"B, shh. It's okay."

Blair falls ungracefully against Serena's shoulders, Serena's comforting hand on her hand.

Serena speaks after a few minutes, quieter than before. "What did Chuck do?"

Blair wants to tell her that this is all Chuck's fault, but in her heart she knows it's lie. When it comes down to it, this is her fault.

"It's no his fault, not really... I'm such an idiot, S."

"You're not, Blair. You're just confused... It's not your fault."

"Of course it is. I lied about seeing Chuck. I lied to him, Serena. He has every right to be mad at me."

"Chuck shouldn't have said anything. He's just angry that you've moved on. You're so much better than him, Blair. You know that."

Blair may know that, but she doesn't necessarily believe it.

"That doesn't change the fact that Carter hates me now."

"He doesn't hate you, B. He's just upset. He'll get over it eventually."

"Do you really believe that?"

"Of course. You know he loves you, everyone can see that. He just needs time."

Blair doesn't say much after that; and thankfully Serena doesn't ask her anything else. They can talk about it later, but right Blair just wants her best friend to tell her that's it's going to be okay.

Even if she doesn't really believe it.

* * *

Blair goes ten days leaving dozens of messages on Carter's voicemail before he finally picks up.

She hears the click, but no voice. For a moment she wonders if he's really there.

"Carter?"

She gets no reply, but she can still hear his breathing on the other line. Secretly, she wonders if he misses her as much as she misses him.

"Carter, I know you're there. Just please say something."

There's a sigh on the other end, but still nothing.

"Fine. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry I lied to you, and I'm sorry that I'm such a mess, and I'm sorry that I broke your heart."

Blair feels tears gathering in the corners of her eyes, but she keeps going.

"And I get it if you never want to see me or talk to me ever again, but I love you. I love you so much that I've left you copious messages and am now ranting to you. I love you so much that I can't think straight; so much that I make stupid decisions. Not telling you about Chuck was stupid. Seeing Chuck was even more stupid – but I just, I had to see him. I had to settle things with him before… I just needed that closure. But I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't want to hurt you, though. Because I love you, okay? I just… love you. And I'm sorry."

He still says nothing; she wonders if he hung up on her.

"Blair."

_Finally. _

"I just don't know what to say to you."

"I'm sorry."

He doesn't say anything after that. And after a few moments she hears the tell-tale click.

* * *

Later that night, she hears a knock on the door, expecting it to be Serena or maybe even Nate. She really hopes it's not Chuck. _She swears she will kill him if he thinks he can- S_he opens the door after a third knock.

"Hey."

Carter's just standing there, in a finely pressed suit; hair perfectly pushed back. There's the tiniest hint of dark circles under his eyes, but it's barely recognizable. He looks like he's been taking the break up well – much better than she has.

"Carter, what… what are you doing here?" Her voice sounds half hopeful, half awestruck.

"Why, unhappy to see me?" He sounds more vicious than she's heard him since he's become her boyfriend. It's hurts more than she could've expected.

He lets himself in and walks past her, stopping when they enter the sitting-room.

"Of course not... I just thought you made it clear you wanted nothing to do with me." She crosses her arms. "You know, after you stormed off and hung up on me."

"I had reason, didn't I?" They're standing opposite each other, but avoiding eye contact. "Plus I didn't really know what to say on the phone after that speech you gave me." He walks towards the couch and sits down. Blair follows, and sits down near him, crossing her legs swiftly as she smoothes down her skirt.

Looking down at her hands, "I meant every word of it."

He doesn't say anything after that, and avoids her eyes when she looks up at him. His eyes flick to her coffee table, an invitation lying out. "So you'll be going to that gala tomorrow?"

She's a little taken aback at the subject change. "I suppose," she says hesitantly.

"I guess I'll see you there then."

"Since when do you willingly go to high society events?" There's a ghost of a smile on both their lips after she says it, but his falls when he catches her eyes; it becomes a serious stare instead.

"Since I found a good enough reason to."

Blair doesn't quite know what to say to that.

"Carter, about Chuck–"

"I don't want to talk about it – especially _him_ – right now," he practically grits out. He stands up, straightening his jacket before looking down at her. "I just need some time to think…about everything. I'll see you tomorrow, Blair."

"So we'll talk then?" She tries not to sound too desperate.

He doesn't speak, but nods instead.

She watches him walk away before quickly standing up, following him as he makes his way to the door.

"Carter," she calls out too quietly. But he hears it.

He just doesn't turn.

"I meant everything I said to you," she tells him earnestly.

He remains in the same position for a few moments before finally turning the doorknob and exciting as swiftly as he came.

She feels defeated; all the sudden hope at the prospect of speaking with him that night vanished.

She makes her way to her room, closes the door quietly before the tears start to fall. Blair wipes the tears hastily away as she hurries to the bathroom – where she chooses to do something she hasn't in months, a ritual she hadn't practiced since Chuck broke her heart the very last time.

She turns the faucet on, out of habit – there's no one there to hear (no one to care), but she hopes that maybe it will drown out the thoughts in her head and the chaotic drumming of her heart.

* * *

I hoep you all enjoyed it, and it was worth the very long wait! My apologies once again and a thousand times over to all of you. Also, forgive me for this chapter being a bit short. I contemplated putting the next bit with it, bit it's much longer and I think should be on it's own.

Anyways, thank you for reading, and reviews are always appreciated. :)


	8. Author

hello all! sorry to disapoint you, but this isn't an update :(

i know i have been gone for a crazy long time, but i'm about to finish my first year of university so obviously it's been difficult to find time to write, and i've had many personal difficulties this year that got in the way unfortunately. but by may i'll be on summer holiday, so you can expect lots of writing to come then, and i promise to finish this story and work on some others :)

hope everyone is still interested in this story, as i look forward to finishing it... don't even get me started with what's going on on GG anymore, aha.

thank you to all! x


	9. Chapter 8

AN: hello all, sorry for such long delays! I feel awful about taking so long to finish this story, but it's hard to be inspired lately. there will probably only be one more chapter after this, although I might write an epilogue later. anyways, so I hope you like this chapter - EDIT: i've further edited this chapter, so now it's a little different - I hope you like it! x

* * *

The terrace is relatively empty, only a few people here and there talking with each other or enjoying a smoke. She's glad there's no one to bother her.

After she's downed her champagne, she wishes she had another; as she feels the night air shift, she knows she's not alone anymore.

"Waldorf," he mutters.

"Go away, Bass. I'm not in the mood."

"I was merely coming by to say hello. But if you're interested in something else..." She feels his hand trace against her shoulder, down her arm. She flinches, but feels nothing.

His hand traces down to her wrist, tracing uneven circles on her wrist. She watches him intently, his eyes never leaving hers. "Blair," he whispers, and with the sudden uttertance of her name and that look in his eyes, of love and lust and a remembrance of things, she can't help but miss him.

Suddenly everyone is gone, and it's just the two of them alone again.

He speaks, and as always, ruins it. "Let's get out of here."

Blair stares at him for a moment, before scoffing and pulling her hand away; she rubs her forehead in frustration.

"Why do you make it so hard for us to be friends?"

"Because we're not friends, Blair. We're never going to be."

"Then we're not going to be anything, Chuck."

"Don't be so dramatic," he tells her as he reaches for her again.

"Oh my god, Chuck. I cannot keep having this fight with you. Why don't you get it? It's over. You can say whatever you want, do whatever you want, fuck whoever you want - I don't care any more! We are not together and we're not going to be."

"So what, Carter's decided to take you back? Based off that icy greeting, I would think not."

"God, do you ever stop stalking me?"

"Call it a fascination..."

"More like an obsession."

"Well I like to keep an eye on things that belong to me."

She stops, staring blankly at him. She's so sick of all of this. "Do you even hear yourself, Chuck? I'm not an object, you can't own me no matter how hard you try. I don't even belong WITH you anymore."

"Well, isn't Baizen so fucking special-"

"It's not about him, Chuck. It's about you. It always is. You do what you want, no matter who it hurts."

"So what, I didn't love you enough? Because that's all I did, Blair."

"I'm not saying you didn't love me, Chuck, I know you did. We just... we're different people now. And it's sad that we can't end up together, but-"

"We could. We can." He reaches for her, pulling her close - it's only now that she's close enough that she can smell the liquor on his breath, and it worries her.

"Chuck, don't."

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out an unmistakable box. "No, stop it. Chuck, you cannot be serious."

"Why not? Why wouldn't I be? Blair, come on, I want to spend my life with you. I always have, there's no one but you. Just marry me, please. I need you. We can make this work, we can be together, we-"

"But I don't want to!"

Silence. The noises from the party echo in, but all she can really hear is the sound of his heart breaking.

"I'm sorry, Chuck."

He looks away, over at the city lights, his back turned to her. His hand lays still against his side, the box clutched tightly in his hand (she even thinks it's a shame that she never saw it).

"I'm sorry. I just... No, Chuck. We can't. I don't want to hurt you, I-"

"Just go away, Blair. You've made your decision."

She thinks about walking away right then - he gave her an out, he knows she won't marry him, won't spend her life with him - so why does she stay?

She's not quite done yet.

"You may not believe this, but this hurts me too. I spent so much of my life believing and hoping that we would end up together, and I really believed we would. once. I used to think that it was possible. But it's not anymore, Chuck, and it hurts so much. You have to know that no matter what happened, I always loved you. And I know you loved me too, the best way you could."

"You don't have to say any of this, Blair. I know what I did to you. I never deserved you anyway," he murmurs.

"Chuck, that's not true. Yes, you hurt me and we were destructive, but you also made me so happy. You opened my eyes and you changed my life so much, and I'm so glad that you did. And I don't regret any of it, okay? I don't regret being with you or loving you or giving you so much of myself and my heart... I really don't because you were the most important person in my life for so long and I don't want to lose you. I can't, Chuck, so please can we just move on. I want to be happy and I want you to be so,so happy, Chuck, you deserve it, okay?"

He hasn't looked at her, has hardly moved.

"I'm sorry, Chuck. I just want you to know, that no matter where we go or what happens in our lives, that I do love you. And there will always be a part of my heart that belongs to you. No one can take what we had, Chuck. It's sacred." She smiles, turns to make her way inside.

"Blair," he calls quietly but she hears it. Turning slightly, she catches his glance.

He smiles slightly, "That was quite a speech."

"Well," she grins, "you're quite a man." He laughs a little at that, his eyes shining and it warms her heart.

"I just want you to be happy, Blair, however that is achieved."

Blair is no longer trying to hide the tears on her face. She can see the tears welling up in his eyes, too.

"I am happy. And you deserve to be happy, too, Chuck…"

He looks straight into her eyes again and starts to speak; his voice low and soft like it always is when is sad and vulnerable.

"Is this it? I can't not… see you, Blair. Or talk to you, or… know you."

"I'm not asking you to... It hurts more to ignore each other completely, to never speak to each other again. I don't want that. I don't… I don't want to pretend like we never happened. I can't act like you're not a part of my life. You've been the most important person in my life for so long that I can't… I don't want to lose you, either."

"That's the last thing I want," his face is so close to hers, and she can feel the warmth of his hand against her cheek. "But I don't know how to see you and not be in love with you."

Blair doesn't really know where they can go from here. She can't be with him but she can't be without him.

"Then... we can just be two people who loved each other and want the other to be happy. This isn't the end, Chuck, we'll still see each other. You're still one of my closest friends; it will be weird and different, but..."

"My world wouldn't be the same without you, Waldorf." He smiles, and she smiles back.

"Back at you, Bass."

She turns to leave, but he pulls her to him quickly, kisses her on the lips as though it is the last time. It is, she tells herself – and this time it's true, but it doesn't hurt as much.

She kisses him for a minute, lets herself remember this moment in time forever. She lets herself have the image of their love and their loss burned into her memory so she will never forget what has been the best and hardest chapter of her life.

When she pulls away, she thinks that this is the hardest thing she has ever had to do. She turns and leaves and tries to put this moment into her past. And with that, she lets go of him for the last time.

* * *

Blair leaves the terrace feeling so much better, a soft smile on her face - she feels disoriented, at how happy it is to know what she and Chuck will be okay - until she runs straight into her other angry lover.

"Carter," she smiles.

"Have a nice chat with your boyfriend?"

She pulls him aside and out of ear-shot of the gossiping crowd.

"Don't act like that. We broke it off, for good this time. It's over, Carter. It has been for a long time. Why can't you just believe me?"

"Because you sneak off every chance you get to see him."

"It's not like that and you know it."

"Of course it is! What is it with you and him? Every chance you get, every time I leave your side, you're running off to be with him."

"Chuck and I are over. We have been since Paris."

"Oh, really? Because I seem to remember it quite differently."

She sighs and crosses her arms. "What are you talking about?"

"You spent the whole summer trying to get over him. You used me to get over him."

"I didn't use you, Carter - I can't believe you would say that, you know I love you!"

"Then when do you need to see him? You said you were done with him, you keep telling me that. But everyone I catch you with him, you tell me you're ending it and then it happens all over again. Just tell me the truth - just tell me if you still love him."

"I don't know what to say to you any more, Carter."

"I need you to be honest with me, always."

"I am. You just don't trust me. But that's your problem. If you can't trust me, then there's no point in dating me anymore."

She tries to brush past him, but he spins her back to him again.

"Blair, don't be like that."

"No, Carter, I'm serious. I have been killing myself trying to get you to forgive me, but maybe you never will. I've apologized and I've been honest with you since that night, but you don't even trust me. So, I'm done."

"What are you talking about? I'm the one who should be mad at you."

"You don't have a right to be anymore. I've done everything I can... You want to know the truth? Fine. Chuck wants to be with me, but I turned him down. He told me he loved me, and I told him that I love _you_. God, he even asked me to marry him, and I said no because I want _you_... He kissed me, and I felt _nothing_."

His eyes fall to the grown, avoiding her gaze.

"Fine, I'm done. When you decide that you want to be with me, then we'll talk. And if you don't then... I'm sorry. Because I really do love you. But if you don't trust me, then I can't fix things... Goodnight Carter."

* * *

I really don't know how I feel about this chapter. I wanted it to be so much, but it simply didn't live up to my expectations. I might fix it up a little bit after, we'll see. anyways, I hope you like it and here's to finishing this story in the next little while! :)


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